There's been a theme to the advice I've gotten this week: act confident even if you don't feel it. This has always been one of those things that confuses me massively - I don't believe in lying to myself about how I feel, as I've learned from hard experience that it's a good way to lose touch with what's going on in your head.
On another level, I still have a hard time grasping the idea that I deserve to have confidence. A look at my work should reassure me, but instead it seems unreal, or as if I magically slipped by somehow. I'm my own harshest critic, the first to tear down my own ideas, the one that notices how unambitious, illogical, and unfocused I can be. When I behave with confidence, good things happen, but I feel ridiculous - like a faker making a fool of myself in front of the world.
So far this has been pretty consistent with my worldview. I've gotten through life by finding out what others want from me and making it happen, doing what's expected of me, meeting standards. Given the landscape of libraryland, it's hard to say what the standards are going to be, and that's rough for me.
On the one hand, it can be paralyzing, but it also puts me in a position where I have the freedom to be a success at whatever the hell I think librarianship should be. I just have to choose not to be paralyzed, and to give a big middle finger to my own inner critic. I doubt that this will be a change that will come easily, but I've gotten to a point where doing what's expected is no longer satisfactory or effective. I need to stop waiting for opportunities to take advantage of, and start deciding what I want to do and doing it.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Saturday, December 4, 2010
On gaming, networking, and other things
Gaming is an odd thing. It can be a learning tool, an entertaining form of play, a social lubricant, and an intense obsession. I would by no means call myself a gamer, but this semester I've found myself participating in more games than at any other point in my life. I have had some great experiences with it: trivia and other game nights have been the main way that I've gotten close to new people this semester.
After Scott Nicholson's presentation and the role playing game, I wound up feeling somewhat ambivalent. I grasp his point about the value of games, but my personal experiences have left me feeling like using games for the sake of gaming is not always the best choice.
I loved Scott's lecture on networking. I felt that he included some really straightforward, useful advice, and he made me feel like there were ways for me to learn to be comfortable having a conversation with anyone. The game we played had the exact opposite effect on me. I despise games where I have to memorize a role, and any game where I feel that I'm being tricked (like the bean game in 601) makes me irritable. In this particular game, I was assigned to behave as a library professor - formal, rational, with a sizeable social distance and an aversion to being touched beyond a handshake. The other players were very outgoing, touchy, and pushy. I understood that the exercise was supposed to illustrate certain situations that we'll encounter in the professional world - mismatched social distances, religious differences, opposing opinions - but I found myself genuinely shaken by the experience of being cornered by other players. The point I came away with was that even after a semester of socializing and developing my confidence...I'm still shy and really not good at this stuff.
Maybe it was still a valuable experience? Maybe it showed me how far I still have to go. But I definitely wished that this particular lesson had been taught differently. Putting me in a social situation and asking me to be outgoing is one thing, and I anticipate practicing that a bit during the poster session. But having me put on a fake personality and attempt to interact with other people...terrifying.
I have a couple of books about gaming at the moment, and I will be looking into it more closely, particularly because I do think it could be really great for our teen group. I'm hoping I can figure out how to productively incorporate it into my own brand of library service without just throwing it in for its own sake.
After Scott Nicholson's presentation and the role playing game, I wound up feeling somewhat ambivalent. I grasp his point about the value of games, but my personal experiences have left me feeling like using games for the sake of gaming is not always the best choice.
I loved Scott's lecture on networking. I felt that he included some really straightforward, useful advice, and he made me feel like there were ways for me to learn to be comfortable having a conversation with anyone. The game we played had the exact opposite effect on me. I despise games where I have to memorize a role, and any game where I feel that I'm being tricked (like the bean game in 601) makes me irritable. In this particular game, I was assigned to behave as a library professor - formal, rational, with a sizeable social distance and an aversion to being touched beyond a handshake. The other players were very outgoing, touchy, and pushy. I understood that the exercise was supposed to illustrate certain situations that we'll encounter in the professional world - mismatched social distances, religious differences, opposing opinions - but I found myself genuinely shaken by the experience of being cornered by other players. The point I came away with was that even after a semester of socializing and developing my confidence...I'm still shy and really not good at this stuff.
Maybe it was still a valuable experience? Maybe it showed me how far I still have to go. But I definitely wished that this particular lesson had been taught differently. Putting me in a social situation and asking me to be outgoing is one thing, and I anticipate practicing that a bit during the poster session. But having me put on a fake personality and attempt to interact with other people...terrifying.
I have a couple of books about gaming at the moment, and I will be looking into it more closely, particularly because I do think it could be really great for our teen group. I'm hoping I can figure out how to productively incorporate it into my own brand of library service without just throwing it in for its own sake.
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