As always, life moves itself along.  I've been working on my resume and portfolio pretty intensely for a couple of weeks, and I'm finally feeling like it's acceptable.  The portfolio will be a work in progress for some time, and I will probably switch to a different web service, but it's at least up where I can point people to it and add my work.

I'm having nightmares about job hunting.  I know it's just a manifestation of how nervous I am, but the dreams are pretty extreme.  A few nights ago I dreamed that I was chased by a T-Rex (not sure why my brain assigned that particular metaphor) and last night I literally dreamed an entire job interview.

Mike had some good advice for me though.  He said, "You didn't go to grad school just to get a job.  You went to school to make a difference."  So there's no point in stressing about a position until I get to the interview stage where I can determine whether the school is the sort of place where I can meet my goal.  I like that.  I'm sure I will continue to stress, but it gives me a mental place to step back to and realize that no one job is the end-all-be-all of my career.

The book sale is coming up fast.  I spent several hours working on it yesterday.  We figure we need about 5000 books gathered, and I estimate at this point we have about 3500.  Between that and the school project that's due on April 1st, I should have my hands full.

I attended the Transliteracy, Technology and Teaching Conference at SUNY Albany last Friday, which was good but not nearly as mind-blowing as I'd hoped.  What I got the most from was actually using the time between sessions to chat with a few classmates who went.  They are both a year behind me in the program, and it was really nice to get their perspective and share mine.

The best session I went to was presented by two academic librarians who identified criminal justice students as the part of their population most in need of remedial research support.  They developed a collaboration with a professor, and embedded information literacy instruction into two of four sections of one of his classes.  The first semester they did it, pre and post testing showed no improvement in student performance.  The presenters went on to explain that they looked at all the factors that affected the lessons - lack of time, lack of computers, a classroom that was not conducive to small group work, and no grading based on IL skills - and worked with the professor to address them.  Student performance improved significantly in the second semester.

I spoke with one of the presenters after the session and asked whether there was any reluctance on the part of the professor to repeat the experience when it clearly didn't work at first.  She explained that they had developed a sound instructional plan from the beginning, and that it was expected that it would take a few semesters to have an impact.  This was a really strong lesson for me.  Given how little time classroom teachers have, I could imagine that they might abandon a collaboration if they see it as using class time without benefitting students immediately.  Going into it together from the start, with the expectation that it will be a process of refining, with the end product being a really effective lesson that can be used for a long time - this should have been obvious to me, but seeing it in action showed me how powerful it is.  I think librarians and teachers are so panicked sometimes by the mandate to collaborate that they don't practice it in its strongest sense.

A few of the other sessions were helpful, including one on cloud-based apps and one on digital storytelling, but they were not revolutionary.  I was a bit disappointed that no one addressed digital security or the suitability of apps for classroom use (ie what is the site's privacy policy, do students need email addresses to sign up, how can the teacher manage student work?).  I'd like to dig deeper into those issues, especially since Storybird was such a great example of a teacher-friendly app.

Vision

As promised!  This is the vision statement I wrote for The Leadership Challenge workshop that I took on February 28th and 29th.  We were instructed to write as if it were 3-4 years from today, and as if everything had already been accomplished.

"I am working in a school library.  I have established a positive culture among my staff, and strong ties with classroom teachers.  My library is a source of continuing education for them, as well as a resource for their daily work.

My library provides kids with materials and space to enable their curiosity to flourish, leading to discovery. My library takes a progressive view on literacy, seeking opportunities to support not only traditional reading skills, but media literacy and information fluency.  I create opportunities to grow the ability of my students to communicate and learn in a variety of formats.  I have orchestrated a significant resistance to the negative effects of overtesting and have enabled teachers and students to meet requirements without sacrificing the inquiry process.  I remain active in the professional community.

I am fit; I have completed at least one race per year, including triathlons and an extreme bike race.  I am training for certification as either a personal trainer, yoga instructor, or wildlife rehabilitator.  I have turtles, frogs, lizards and cats.  I camp and kayak regularly.  I take pride in my work but accept that I've done my best, and enjoy my personal life."

It was interesting to re-read that after a few weeks.  What stands out to me is how much I want to be great at my career and content with my life.  I don't know if I'll ever reach contentment, since striving seems to be a component of my happiness.  I also laughed when I hit the part about training for an additional certification...one of three very different paths.  I think no matter how busy I make my life, there will always be more that I want to learn.

Dreams and Nightmares

Last night I dreamed about our upcoming book sale.  Part of the dream was awesome - we had a huge team of really enthusiastic volunteers!  Then it started getting weird - primarily because the books started morphing into other things, like discarded exercise equipment. 

We have two weeks to finish getting ready for the sale.  I waffle between being super concerned and not being concerned at all.  We absolutely need a ton of stuff, but it's really just a matter of identifying it and dragging it upstairs.  We're doing pretty much zoned pricing (a $1 zone, a $5 bag zone) so nothing needs to be stickered.

I think my anxiety comes from how uncertain this project has been.  Every step, from writing the sorting procedure to recruiting volunteers, has been trickier than expected.  The whole project team has been learning as we go.  And there's the fact that I really, really, really want to succeed!

So the Bookstore is one of my main focus points for the next two weeks.  Practicum is finished (!) so I effectively have about 25 more hours of free time each week to devote to whatever I want.  So far it's pretty much been devoted to sleep, but I can feel in a visceral way how much more energy and enthusiasm I have at my disposal.  I'm attending the 3Ts conference in Albany on Friday, which I'm psyched about.  And I just signed up for a full-day workshop on designing instruction for adult learners. 

I'm still nervous about job hunting, but the bit of flexible time means time to work on my portfolio, which makes me feel infinitely better.  The whole of my educational and work experience - wrapped up in a pretty package with a bow!  It's nice to see that even though I spent the past few years feeling like a crazy person, I have accomplished so much.  This blog may become incorporated into the portfolio, and I would like to begin updating more often, and in a way that's more reflective on my practice as a librarian.

Oh!  We had a fabulous guest speaker in my Managing a School Library Class and I'm all fired up about the Common Core!  Lots more learning to do!

Getting closer to the "real world"

And dealing with realities I haven't had to face in quite a while.

I will openly admit that I am fearful about job hunting.  I think the primary reason for that is that I'm not as mobile as many of my classmates - I really hope to be able to stay in the general area.  So that raises the stakes of any particular job opportunity.

The other factor is that I haven't even started my portfolio.  To some extent that's been a consequence of spending so much time on the things that ultimately go into the portfolio...but it doesn't make it any less scary to see my classmates beginning to apply for jobs, and feeling as though I'm unprepared to do the same should an opportunity arise.

I'm also still plagued by the thought that I haven't done as much as I wanted in any area of my life - I always wish that I had been more engaged in my classes, more active at practicum, more effective at work. I'm not great at ever saying that the amount that I've done is enough.

Putting all of that aside, there is a larger fear.  Returning to school to finish my bachelor's degree represented a kind of rebirth for me.  I was pulling myself out of a rut that I'd fallen into since graduating from OCC.  Working toward the goal of finishing college, then getting into graduate school, then doing well there has all energized me and engaged my passions.  I am to the point where I will be relieved and excited to finish school, but I'm nervous to no longer have that set of hoops to jump through.  I'll have to find an acceptable balance for myself, which historically I have not been good at.  Hopefully I've matured some.

Anyway, in practical terms, things are going well.  I have three days left at my practicum site.  I feel guilty for not staying longer, but due to all of the things mentioned above, I think it's important that I begin preparing for my next step.  I've gotten a ton of great experience with kids and with teaching, which is all I ever hoped for from this practicum.  I have a to-do list a mile long, but if I'm diligent I think I can position myself pretty well over the next few months.

PS Unconnected from the rest of this post, but occurring to me now, is the fact that Mike and I took a leadership seminar together last week.  One of the activities was to draft a vision for 3-5 years into the future.  Mine was over a page long - his was two sentences.  I may post mine, because it is all stuff that I believe in and that is important to me.  But when it comes down to it, particularly where the job hunt is concerned, all I want is a job where I can make a difference and support myself.  That's all I ever wanted when I left the frame shop to go back to school, and I suppose it's reassuring that the goal is still essentially the same.

Practicum

The speed of life is the theme of life.

In only five weeks, it feels like a lifetime has passed.  I have completed the majority of my second practicum - I have about 40 hours remaining and I should be done on March 8.

I have finally gotten my "trial by fire".  The past five weeks have been spent primarily in teaching classes.  I've gone from shaky and nervous to...better.  Still kind of uncertain about what to do when problems come up, but much less apprehensive about getting in front of a class.  I've learned a lot about how much material kids can handle in a class session, which has been a help to me as well.  I no longer feel like I need to go crazy memorizing my notes in advance.

The school I'm in is a real challenge.  Classes are large, and because of the demographics of the district, it's rare to have a class without at least 3 or 4 difficult students.  I'm constantly dealing with bullying, backtalk, tantrums, and unwillingness to participate.  It's all good experience, but I don't feel like I'm making a ton of progress with the kids, and I'm not convinced that I'm cut out for a city school.

What's interesting though is that seeing kids in their "natural habitat" (yes I just said that) I don't hate them.  In most other contexts, I'm just not a kid person, but being on their turf I seem to be able to relate to them.  I'm hoping to set up some shadowing experiences at other kinds of schools so that I can observe a wider variety of students.

It's been a good experience.  It's sometimes fun, and often stressful.  I find that as an intern, I appreciate the fixed schedule - it makes it easier for me to stay on top of things and plan.  I may feel differently when I have my own library, but I feel like the fixed or hybrid schedule at least gets the kids into the library once a week.  Perhaps a flexible schedule would allow that, but on individual terms, which I would be in favor of.  In any case, the fixed schedule guarantees that I see at least 12 classes a week, which has been the biggest benefit of this practicum.

Haha, it's fun to take a look at my last post and use it as a checkpoint.  Hard to believe that I never blogged about how the lesson went (tragically) or the Holiday Booty Buster Challenge (forgot all about it after that weekend).

I dragged out my practicum, both because once I had my required hours there were only a few days left in the semester and why quit? and because I liked spending time with my host librarian.  She let me do some cataloging and I tied up loose ends (although I'm going in tomorrow to help her with some computer stuff and to work out some bugs that have cropped up in the orientation).  So for me, "Christmas break" began on December 22.  I've essentially had three weeks off, but all in all it's felt like about two days.  There were the holidays, and a very busy week at work between Christmas and New Years.  Last Tuesday was the first day I truly relaxed.  I had hoped for the same today, but I'm caught in a weird space between trying to wind down from last semester and already winding up for the next.  Today I proofread a friend's essays, washed my kitchen floor and polished my kitchen chairs, and read John Green's new book.

I don't know what to make of last year.  I feel like as a whole it served as a good illustration of burnout, as I started the year bursting with motivation, then got sick.  I met Mike at the midpoint of being sick, so balancing my new life with him (ie any non-school life at all) became a new challenge, and unfortunately, stressor.  This past semester I did find some peace by accepting his boundaries - be up front about when I need to do homework instead of just working constantly while we're supposed to be hanging out together.  616 was easy enough that it was little more than a minor annoyance compared to the intensity of my practicum.  I expect this semester to require more focus.

I would like to make resolutions for this year, but I don't know what to expect.  I will graduate this year.  This will be the first time in four years that I haven't had a clear path carved out for me.  I've had to make some choices along the way, but I am finally at the end of the preparation phase and will be on to the business of living my life.  What I can reasonably ask of myself:

• Commit to taking what I can from my last semester in terms of career prep, networking, and teaching experience
• Explore options for improving the Bookstore
• Meet or exceed expectations for work at circulation and on teen space projects
• Maintain a fitness routine, improve Iron Girl time
• Keep my relationship with Mike in the foreground of my mind, keep working at it and not taking it for granted
• Make my job choice with integrity

Busy Girl!

What a crazy, crazy, crazy week!  I was back at practicum for one day this week.  I met with my collaborating teacher to plan out our lesson, which is pretty much settled and scheduled.  It's a fairly simple project, but it'll give me some face time with a class.

Thursday was work, and Thursday night I helped Mike prep his kitchen floor for laying linoleum.  Thursday we mainly just pulled up the old tiles and ripped out the moulding.

Friday I actually had a day off, but ended up being super busy.  Since I didn't know when or if I would have another non-holiday weekday off before Christmas, I focused on getting Mike's big present together.  While waiting for confirmation for one step of the process, I did work emails, paid bills and typed texts (in short I archive our important conversations and my phone doesn't export :p  I think it's part of being a librarian; I can't stand to lose those "writings").  I went to a lovely dinner party and saw one of my favorite librarians.

Saturday was the really intense day.  I got out to Auburn around 1 (after coffee with another of my favorite librarians).  We got right down to work on the floor.  We patched the holes in the subfloor, pulled out the washer and dryer (which involved cleaning and removing the tiles that had been underneath them, and moved the fridge and stove.  We went and got food while waiting for the subfloor compound to harden, then came home and sanded.  I swept and swept and swept, then went over the entire floor on my hands and knees feeling for any rough spots or bumps.

The next step was creating a template of the floor.  We cut craft paper and laid it out along the edges of the room.  Good thing, because it turned out that the room was slightly off square - basically parallelogram shaped.  We carted the linoleum into the kitchen, taped down the template at the edge of the roll, and started cutting.  With such a big roll, there was no place that we could lay out the whole thing, so we had to do a little, roll up the end we had just cut, then do some more.

Unrolling the cut linoleum over the entire floor was the most frustrating part of the process, because we had to work it around cabinets, and it did not want to go.  Amazingly though, once it was down, the fit was practically perfect.  We glued one side at a time (that was all Mike, as we only bought one trowel) then used a roller to smooth out air bubbles.

Sounds easy, right?  Did I mention that the whole process took about 14 hours of work time?  19 hours total (excluding time spent running out for food and supplies).  We went to bed at 7am.

On Sunday, we had a family party to go to, but afterward our goal was to put the appliances back in.  Mike has a newer washer that had been in the garage, so we brought that upstairs on a dolly.  Not as easy as it sounds.  We had to disassemble his banister to squeeze it around the top of the stairs.  Then we had to bring the old, heavy, gross one down.  Once that was done, it was homework time for me!

The Holiday Bootie Buster Challenge started on Saturday (a holiday-themed fitness competition) and I was unable to do an actual "workout" due to all of this.  But I think I'm justified in my decision to track 4 hours worth of strength training - I spent at least an hour on the stairs supporting a washer over my head, to say nothing of several hours of rolling the floor or lugging the other appliances.

I had hoped to make it to yoga tonight, since I thought it would be nice to stretch out all my aches and pains, but I got home from work and slept for about 4 hours.  I can't complain too much though.  Mike has a pretty new floor, and I have major brownie points and a sparkly new bucket.  It's fun watching the apartment improving all the time, and it's nice to have a part in it.